End of Summer

Whelp, school's back in.

I never wrote Dead Noir beyond a few early pages that I really hated. The concept just lost all appeal to me very quickly, which I'll confess made me rather sad. It had potential, I just lacked the skill for it.

Those few little cyberpunk vignettes (listed on my HD as 'cybershit,' cybershit 2 the return of shit,' and 'cybershit 3 the shittening,') are as far as that story got. I do quite like Clif, but the entire concept basically just felt like I was trying and failing to emulate William Gibson's early work.

This was supposed to be the summer where I wrote a ton and got super fit. I'd promised myself a page a night of fiction, and to learn some martial arts or parkour from a friend. Neither of those happened.

My love of writing has kind of tanked. I haven't put out anything I've been happy with in months, and really lack any motivation to try harder. When I try to imagine my ideal future (sitting at a computer in the wee hours of the morning, writing up an early draft of something great in my chic San Francisco studio apartment) I don't feel anything anymore. It doesn't sound like fun. I've forgotten what I want to do with myself, I guess.

My insomnia skyrocketed into the horrific range during the break and I've been suffering rather intense anxiety attacks, something new to me. I'm quite frankly terrified of this last year at school and of the college that awaits beyond. I'm not eating nearly enough and I wake up nauseous every day (it doesn't go away). I wasted my summer and I'll admit to not being my own biggest fan right now.

I still check this account every day, but if I don't have any content to post then I doubt I'll see anyone eager to chat it up with me. My tumblr (atamajakki.tumblr.com) is updated very frequently, and I quite enjoy the way that site works. dA kind of represents a past that I've left behind. Don't expect much from me in the coming months, nonexistant followers. If you are out there and you read this, then thank you. Typing it has been very cathartic.


The tiny positive shit in my life list: new clothes, new haircut, started therapy, begun taking melatonin before bed with little success, braces off, girlfriend is still wonderful (we hit our 1 year mark somewhere back there), and I'm back to wearing glasses.